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We’re looking for a vocational editor to join our busy and dynamic team.

As an independent publisher of quality fiction and non-fiction we are looking for someone who possesses exceptional editorial skills and a passion for reading across all genres.

The successful applicant will have several years of full-time editorial experience in trade publishing, and will be ready to participate fully in a stimulating and rewarding editorial culture.

Text Publishing is based in Melbourne.

For a detailed Position Description contact applications@textpublishing.com.au.
Applications to the same address by 9am on Monday 3 June 2013.

Comments

James Dalglish — 22 May at 01:31AM

Interesting position -- how did you send it to me? I mean how did it wind up in my mail box? But it looks like I'm not your ideal candidate. Still so few editing jobs are advertised it intrigued me.

Mitch Robson — 22 May at 12:04PM

I don't have years of experience like you desire (I am a Uni student) but I can nevertheless promise that I would be an exceptional editor, and am happy to submit to any kind of trial or test you might devise.

— 22 May at 12:41PM

I am an experienced journalist with experience at editing various sections of the paper and feature articles from contributors. I am an avid reader, hold a Masters degree in Communications and have worked in television research, radio news broadcasting and a range of other things. My oral and written communications skills are excellent and I enjoy hard work. Sue 0408 578 359.

— 22 May at 01:12PM

I would like to apply for this job via a comment on a blog. Please call me.

Linda Godfrey — 22 May at 01:57PM

i have been editing for Spineless Wonders and freelance before that, not full time. I would like to apply for the position of editor. please send me the details.

Ed — 22 May at 02:35PM

I'm not an editor but I would like to apply for the position of CEO. I think it would be fun. Can someone get me up to speed on book publishing? Fax me. We'll do lunch.

Bill — 22 May at 03:01PM

My application is on its way via carrier pigeon. I look forward to hearing from you, preferably by return pigeon, within four to six business months.

Thank you

Suzie — 22 May at 03:04PM

though i haven't bothered to read about the application process and can't write a simple blog comment without messing up punctuation and grammar to the point of incomprehensibility, i reckon i'm the one for the job.!!

(page me).

Peter — 22 May at 03:05PM

I don't understand how websites work and I have a detailed list of typos from a large number of your publications. text me.

John — 22 May at 03:36PM

There's nothing funny about monorails.

Yolo B. — 22 May at 03:56PM

I would like to learn how to follow the instructions in job ads. Please send a limousine at once.

Francesca — 22 May at 03:58PM

I'm looking for someone to clean my 3 bedroom house in Richmond fortnightly, along with some ironing and babysitting from time to time.

PM me if interested. Must have references. No time-wasters please.

Stan — 22 May at 04:01PM

I like this advertisment. It is cheerful and inviting.

However, I would be a terrible editor and I would not live in Melbourne on purpose.

I have no experience editing professionally, although people I know sometimes tell me I am being pedantic.

Monorails are not funny but are an excellent method of returing to the same spot.

Thank you for your interest in my comment.

Jimmy — 22 May at 04:09PM

What if someone wrote a book about professional bull-riding, but when you open it, it's just sawdust.

DM for bank account details

Michael — 22 May at 04:13PM

Thank you for submitting your job advertisement. We enjoyed the original voice of the narrator and it is obvious that you have invested some years in the composition. However, in the congested and highly competitive publishing ad market we felt that your ad was not compelling enough or commercial enough to warrant investment in your vision. Apologies that it has taken us a year to get back to you, but our slush pile of unsolicited ads is enormous. We wish you well with your next ad, however long it takes to write, and will happily add it to our future ad slush pile if you care to submit it. Best, etc.

Warren — 22 May at 04:16PM

I have one large brown vintage suitcase for sale. It is about two decades old but in great condition. It is big enough to hold one regular-size editor (has air holes) if you're looking to save money/space. I love this case but have to get rid of it as I have an ice habit and need cold hard cash. $20 ONO, no time wasters, Melbourne pick-up only.

Morty — 22 May at 04:26PM

Is this where I can order the bulk kibble?

Vanessa — 22 May at 04:28PM

My name is Mr George Adamson, i have been tasked to search for you and advise that you are the sole heir to a vast fortune here in Nigeria. All we require is a contact number and we shall arrange the transfer of gold bullion to you. Please be sending a direct message as soon as possible. Resumes are not required.

+1 — 22 May at 04:31PM

Meh. It was okay. Three stars.

Ernest — 22 May at 04:33PM

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

That's right, we've gone CRAZY at CRAZY ERN'S BABY SHOE WAREHOUSE!! Due to a shipping error we have TOO MANY BABY SHOES!!!! MAKE ERN AN OFFER!!! HE HASN'T STOPPED DRINKING SINCE THE SHIP DOCKED AND HE KEEOS TALKING ABOUT FIGHTING BULLS!!!!?

Barry D'A. — 22 May at 04:36PM

Boatbuilder/editor seeks same for bookish hijinks on the high seas. You: LRB, runabout. Me: NYRB, super-maxi. GSOH, OMFG, HMAS. No idle mates need apply.

Jon Dow — 22 May at 04:39PM

Is it possible to work from my non-publishing salaried palace in Monaco under an anonymous internet alias and completely made up persona?

— 22 May at 04:40PM

Hello, I would like to apply for the position of Assistant Troll. I have extensive web comment experience and my consistent refusal to read original blog posts is above and beyond the call of duty. I will only work for free.

Winner — 22 May at 04:41PM

You are the 1,000,000th visitor to this job advertisement!

CONGRATULATIONS
CONGRATULATIONS
CONGRATULATIONS

You have won the JOB!

Bart — 22 May at 04:41PM

I would prefer not to.

Hans O'Crotch — 22 May at 04:47PM

Ill have a turkey sandwich with cheese but under no circumstances toast it

— 22 May at 04:58PM

I AM EDITOR

Suz — 22 May at 05:00PM

I could do what I think you mean you're saying. DM me for more on how this partnership can evolve.

Adrienne Delia-James — 22 May at 05:00PM

I am available full-time to edit books about mystical unicorns. Whisper gently to me?

Ray — 22 May at 05:02PM

My spelling and grammar are appalling, and the internet worries me somewhat. I have been known to twitch when people use the phrase ' begs the question' incorrectly and can take people to task on this subject matter. At length.

My mother thinks my talents are wasted in my current position.

Sheila — 22 May at 05:03PM

PUPPIES FOR FREE
A cross between my dog and whatever other dog he comes across when we let him roam at night.

Will stop feeding them if nobody shows interest.

Stuart — 22 May at 05:03PM

Does this look infected ? I'm pretty sure it's infected. Thanks.

Mrs. Victoria Dickson — 22 May at 05:04PM

Dear beloved one in Christ,

I am Mrs. Victoria Dickson, a widow suffering from long time illness (Cancer), I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband Mr. Mark Dickson, the sum of ($M 11.000) which he deposited in bank here and I need a very honest and God fearing Christian that can use these funds for God's work, and 15% out of the total funds will be for your compensation for doing this work of God.I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money. I don't want a situation where this money will be used ungodly way. That is why I take this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going.

Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply me.(victoriadickson24@hotmail.com)

Yours Sister in Christ,
Mrs. Victoria Dickson.

t. — 22 May at 05:04PM

is the internet broken?

Pablo — 22 May at 05:12PM

when were you when text is hire?
i was sat at home drinking tea when fred ring

'text is hire'

'no'

and you???

Dr. M — 22 May at 05:13PM

Miracle breakthrough in pill technology! Change your life now! Take the Red Pill to wake up from this machine-induced hallucination.
Conditions apply.

Sue de Nimme — 22 May at 05:19PM

Word to rivals: my application will be in the form of an issues-driven illustrated verse novella for younger readers, so I probably have this IN THE BAG.

Vanessa — 22 May at 05:25PM

How is babby formed?

5 REAL — 22 May at 05:27PM

u mean PPL get $$ fr pubblishn textz?!?

Y0 i snd lyk 100s off txts a DAY

hit me up 4 deets, Y0

Andrew B — 22 May at 05:28PM

Do you know who else had several years of full-time editorial experience in trade publishing, and was ready to participate fully in a stimulating and rewarding editorial culture?

HITLER.

Boba Fett — 22 May at 05:29PM

So Han Solo clearly has a good grasp of the Wookie language because when Chewbacca moans at him he says things like, “I don’t care how long it’ll take you big walking carpet, just get it fixed,” and yet he never speaks Wookie back. How rude!

Wait, I think I'm in the wrong place. My sincerest apologies to all on your distant world. I hear it's very nice.

Bam-Bam — 22 May at 05:30PM

I would be so good at this job! I correct my friends' grammar all the time, omg, they call me the grammar nazi!! I haven't worked in trade publishing exactly but I was an editor of my high-school yearbook, so I'm pretty much up to speed. Also, I read a lot. I love books. I have every Dan Brown book, in HARDBACK. Also I met Judy Nunn once.

I could probably also write some books for you, if you want. I've always meant to write a book, it's just so hard to find the time! You know? But it would only take me a few weeks, probably. I write really fast! I tweet, like, all the time! You could just publish my tweets if you want, I've done 1,653 so that's probably enough for a book.

Anyway, tweet me.

Ella Fitzgerald — 22 May at 05:30PM

I already know how this story ends.
You're going to turn me down
and say "can't we be friends?"

Derrick — 22 May at 05:35PM

Baby, I'm sorry I've been so hard to be around lately. I've just been feeling unloved, and a bit stressed with everything that's been going on at work, and I guess wanted you to read my mind and just reach out and hold me. It doesn't help me when you always try to solve my problems for me, although I know that you are always just trying to help in your own way. I hope that we can get through this together. I love you with all my heart baby. I can't wait to go away on our first trip together. When we get on the plane in two weeks all I want to do is focus on being us for next two weeks in the sun. Every day I learn something new about you and it is so exciting. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you baby. :*

Homeless Dan — 22 May at 05:36PM

I called applications@textpublishing.com.au on the payphone, but got no answer! I can't understand what is going on...wait, its alright the voices have returned.

Slimejam — 22 May at 05:37PM

How is book formed?

Alice — 22 May at 05:37PM

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Jerome — 22 May at 05:42PM

I might be interested in this role. But I should warn you that I only work with Comic Sans font: It is one of my moral policies.

G. Lish — 22 May at 05:44PM

I can make your ad shorter, more poignant.

Also, I have mad skills at making highballs.

Deckhand Daisy — 22 May at 05:49PM

Well a-hoy, Barry D'A.
I've been looking for a boatbuilder/editor for a WT romantic/literary relationship FFE. You can HM my AS anytime. Let's sail away together soon. XO

Jenny — 22 May at 05:50PM

Hi Derrick, I really hate having conversations like this over text message but I don't know any other way to get through to you. You seem like a really lovely guy, but the things you've been saying to me and to my friends over the last few weeks are scaring me. I said I was happy to help you and I'm sorry if you took that to mean something else. You know I have a partner and while your offer was very generous, I think I have been very clear about what I consider to be appropriate behaviour. Please stop.

— 22 May at 05:53PM

resume attached

Derrick — 22 May at 05:53PM

Jenny why are you suddenly acting like this? I don't understand what I did wrong. I said I was sorry and I just want to know what I need to do to make it better. :*

Vincent — 22 May at 05:53PM

My cat needs to start contributing to the household. She is illiterate but has a rich background in the Arts, as she sits on my books whenever I read them. She also sprayed my housemate's bookshelf. But it was only textbooks.

Eaglemont P. Flystroker — 22 May at 05:54PM

I would like to apply for the position of Editor. My workplace philosophy is Ice Cube's 'Good Day' and I think this may sync with your company's vision:

Drunk as hell but no throwing up / Halfway home and my pager still blowing up / Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

Rose — 22 May at 05:55PM

Pick me! Pick me!

Justin Cyril Bertrand Goshawk — 22 May at 05:57PM

Of course text is hiring. It says so right up the top. See? The bit where it says 'Text is'. Then it says 'hiring'. You can't trick me.
I have heaps expereince as a tattoo profreader.
But I'm prepeared to help you out.
Live free or dye.

Patrick — 22 May at 06:00PM

Cash Rules Everything Around Me
C.R.E.A.M.
Get the money
Dollar, dollar bill y'all

Allen & Unwin — 22 May at 06:02PM

Michael and Penny,
Really looking forward to Sunday's picnic with Henry and the crew at Random Penguin. So much to discuss re our protest march down Swanston St.
Regards,

Kitty Lulz — 22 May at 06:10PM

I haz edituh jobz?

Fenwick Abernathy — 22 May at 06:10PM

If you don't hire me I will cross you out, marking you for deletion, and then write STET next to you, and then cross that out and cross you out instead again, and then write STET again, in an eternal loop.

heartjustin1990 — 22 May at 06:17PM

omigod yes! watery eyed after reading this !!!!! I LOVE YOU TEXT !!!!!!!!!!!! (☆_☆)

Dr. K — 22 May at 06:21PM

this job sounds good but is it ok if i bring my own hygienic washable keyboard?

Melanie Something — 22 May at 06:21PM

If you want to be my lover, you have to become acquainted with my group of peers and contemporaries. I'd like to continue knowing you indefinitely and friendship helps us accomplish this goal. If you want to be my lover you have got to provide things for me. Taking is easier, but that's the way it is.

So what do you think about that? Now that you know how I feel. You stated before that you could handle this situation, but I question the veracity of this viewpoint. I won't be hasty, I will give you the benefit of a try. But if you prove to be an irritation I will say goodbye.

Thomas Tomas Esq — 22 May at 06:32PM

I am 8 years old and what is this?

Ern Malley — 22 May at 06:34PM

I only do poetry. Is that all right?

Karen — 22 May at 06:37PM

I think this conversation should be added to the Text Classics list :)

Sheldon — 22 May at 06:42PM

I attend SCCC majoring in Business Administration. I Love Watching Men have Pie Fights. I love everything about Pie Fights. The Humor and Fun. But Most of All I Love the Way it Shows the Man's Humility and Character. I Find a Man Who Can Laugh at Life Charming. Hairy Bearded Men is also a Turn On. So the Mix of Pie and Beards is Extremely Hot.

Lee — 22 May at 06:42PM

Hello, is anyone aware of MC Hammer's whereabouts? Also, does he still have a dishwasher installed next to his bed?

Benhamin — 22 May at 06:45PM

I would make an excellent vacational editor as I would never actually be in the office (I'm hyperallergic to paper and people).

On the upside I am pretty sure I now know how to pronounce GIF and know the difference between (brackets) and [parentheseseses].

Brill — 22 May at 06:45PM

Thank you I accept.

I assume working there will be like I imagine my time at google would have been had they responded to my applications?

For my 20-30ish% time I would like to spend Fridays and parts of Tuesday working on 'Sloth', my 12 part epic saga about a guy who has abandoned activity and hygiene.

It is a story that my writers' group claims has them deep in the back of their seats; a tapestry of language so finely woven that just to get a sense of the work, every sentence must be read again and again.

As an editor I am prepared to read most things but I am mainly interested in work that is interesting and works as a consistent whole. I also like good spelling and grammar.

In my professional life I like cake and champagne but not always at the same time.

I will provide constructive feedback to authors via twitter and will condense my best work into an award winning self published how to guide called, 'How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?'

Depending on the quality of the work, I will add semicolons liberally and will overstate my contribution at length with acquaintances once we are confident that the work has been successful.

Also, I like to give somewhere between 109% and 117% to my work, and I expect you to do the same. For simplicity I will advise the exact multiple prior to each pay run.

What a thrill. At last we can all look forward to the blossoming of my career

Best,

B

Tom Waterhouse — 22 May at 06:45PM

I may not know where to put an Oxford comma, but I can lay odds on the next Miles Franklin winner being a genre author...

Ambidextrous — 22 May at 06:46PM

My editorial skills are exceptional: I can use both vi and emacs.

Ambidextrous — 22 May at 06:46PM

My editorial skills are exceptional: I can use both vi and emacs.

Tony Williams — 22 May at 06:47PM

Since we're talking about an editing job:

how to Piss,
off you're editor freinds.
and caws
them a migraine,

// Tony

BTW I'd love the job but the thought of moving to Melbourne is about as appealing as gonorrhea.

5oh19 — 22 May at 06:47PM

Seriously, some shit hot grammar in these replies.

incumbent — 22 May at 06:47PM

wait - my job's become available?

Little beother — 22 May at 06:50PM

Picture this: ex cricketer writes books about chickens. Full on anecdotes. Thiscstuff writes itself. See you monday.

Little beother — 22 May at 06:50PM

Picture this: ex cricketer writes books about chickens. Full on anecdotes. Thiscstuff writes itself. See you monday.

B. E. Ellis — 22 May at 06:52PM

People only think this is funny because hot bitches. I am way funnier.

Vocational pussycat — 22 May at 06:54PM

How important is "vocational"?

Carmen — 22 May at 06:56PM

If pithy replies are essential to get a job interview did I just get culled?

Luxious — 22 May at 07:02PM

Please send me the reasons why I should work for you, and if you don't hear back after several months, you may assume I am not interested. It is preferred you don't consider other applicants during this time, as I will require exclusive rights if I accept the position.

Sharon — 22 May at 07:03PM

I often wonder if I need to ground myself in nature more. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that I feel increasingly caught up in the great dramas of humanity and forget that I'm actually just stardust.

Krystle — 22 May at 07:04PM

A+++ RCOMMENDED SELLER - my son luvs the Dora dvd's WOULD BUY AGAIN

Ziggy — 22 May at 07:06PM

WOWEEE wow whopper wow shee-it. Fantastico!!!
I'm maybe gonna be a poppa!!!
Heavens to Betsy goodness gracious oh my god

Krystle — 22 May at 07:06PM

A+++ RCOMMENDED SELLER - my son luvs the Dora dvd's WOULD BUY AGAIN

Sunshine — 22 May at 07:08PM

I WILL MURDER YOUR PUPPIES FOR NO FEE (EXPENSES OBVIOUSLY). NO NEED TO EMAIL JUST SEND VIBES MY WAY AND I WILL FIND YOU. YOU WON'T REGRET THIS I AM VERY THOROUGH

Sunshine — 22 May at 07:10PM

@SHIELA I AM ON MY WAY LEAVE THE PUPPIES IN THE MAILBOX YOU WON'T SEE THEM AGAIN I PROMISE

Scarlet — 22 May at 07:12PM

Nah, Imma wait for the movie to come out instead.

JAWB — 22 May at 07:12PM

╔╦╦╦╗OMG
╠╬╬╬╣CHOCOLATE!!
╠╬╬╬╣Put this on your page
╠╬╬╬╣If you LOVE
╚╩╩╩╝♥ CHOCOLATE
chocolate

Sheila — 22 May at 07:15PM

@Sunshine
I really appreciate that. But since you're going to be here anyway, could you take out the cat next door? It doesn't actually do anything much but sometimes it meows too loudly.
Thx in advance!

— 22 May at 07:15PM

First!!!!!!1!!

Sunshine — 22 May at 07:16PM

@ SHIELA OK SHIELA WHAT GIVES. I TURNED UP AT WHAT I ASSUMED WAS YOUR PLACE BUT THE GUY SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU. THEN I CHECKED THE LETTERBOX AND THERE WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF KITTENS. BITCH I AM NOT HAPPY. FALSE ADVERTISING IS A SERIOUS CRIMINAL OFFENSE.

Sheila — 22 May at 07:17PM

You must have dyslexia. You inverted the house number.

Sunshine — 22 May at 07:18PM

@ SHIELA YOU'RE RIGHT I DO. ON MY WAY AGAIN SORRY FOR MY BAD MANNERS

Dan Brown (unrelated) — 22 May at 07:26PM

Dear Scribe,

I would love to be an editor at Scribe and am sending you my parchment of accomplishments by falcon forthwith.

I'm a team player, not a player hater. As you can see, I work late or at least have a working internet connection and fingers.

My favourite book is published by a rival house; my use of semicolons is unnecessarily pretentious; my attention to sentence structure is relentless.

I have done little in my life thus far but would like to do a lot with you. Let's talk, Scribe. I can see myself growing old with you.

Srsly,
Dan Brown (unrelated) BAMA

P.S. Deckhand Daisy, I own a yacht and four books. If Barry doesn't get back to you: latitude 38.0, longitude 144.9. Let's tie the reef knot.

Confused — 22 May at 07:29PM

Good idea putting 'editor' in bold as I find a lot of editors miss key words.

Disappointed you didn't include the word 'exciting'. You've got all the other ones:
busy
dynamic
exceptional
passion
stimulating
rewarding.

Just missed that one. I suppose the 'works cheap' is understood.

James — 22 May at 07:33PM

Jenny.
I have warned you before. Derrick is mine. Mine I tell you. He was mine before he took those photos of you in the shower and enlarged them to lifesize and put them all over his walls, and he was mine after he burned them all, and he is still mine even though he got into your house and is even now watching you through the hole he made in your bathroom ceiling. He is mine.
I am on my way to collect him. Have your husband open the door.

Beyonce — 22 May at 07:35PM

@Colvinius: (•_• )

/ \ all the single ladies

(•_• )
<) )/
/ \ oh oh oh

Rupert — 22 May at 07:37PM

Hi I'm an entrepreneur with an idea for a social media platform that will be huge. Looking for programmers who want to get in at the ground-floor for sweat equity.

Please respond to either my gumtree or craigslist postings.

Sunshine — 22 May at 07:41PM

@SHIELA I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO BE SO CRUEL BUT A STARVING WOLF STUFFED INTO A LETTERBOX IS NOT A VERY FUNNY PRANK. THE DOCTOR SAYS I WILL NEVER PLAY GUITAR AGAIN THANKS VERY MUCH

F. Scott Fitzgerald — 22 May at 07:46PM

I was keen to write more books but then I saw that Baz fella completely f*** my best work up on screen so I give up. Honestly it's enough to drive a man to drink. Anyway, I'll take the job.

Rebecca — 22 May at 07:55PM

I've been getting small, red dots on my hands and feet. They're reeeeeeally itchy. Also, I have a very intense headache. I feel like throwing up and have to lie down in the dark. Is this happening to anyone else??? Any advice would be super helpful! I'm in paiiiiin :(

Sheila — 22 May at 07:59PM

@Sunshine

You must have made him pretty angry. He finished off the puppies before you got here, and should have been completely full. I can't help it if you're slower than the wolf that lives in the abandoned building.

NJT — 22 May at 08:00PM

I run a gallery in Bruce Canberra. The shrubbery, round abouts, healing workshops in small scout halls, old men in Lycra and speedos, school fetes and drumming workshops run by feminist journos wearing bad woollen skirts and thick glasses is getting me down. Time for a textual awakening for you, here I come!

Trollolol — 22 May at 08:02PM

One of my earlier works; I hope you enjoy!

oK so basicaly its like this. youare at a friends house for like the night or watever and then you guys are making out on the couch (yeah!) and then like.. her dad calls on the phone and says “no i she likes it more if you use the other hand… yeah” and your alllike “oh dude your dad is trying to give me advice” and then she’s like… “i don’t have a dad..” or whatever… but what!? WHO WAS PHONE?

Leela — 22 May at 08:09PM

Hi!
My portfolio is up-to-date. Included is my recent appearence in a low budget film. Despite the financial restrictions, the film helped me develop many skills such as one on one interactions with people, juggling many balls (AKA multitasking) and taking one for the team. I am a very driven person who pretty much does anything for money. Holla.

Blaze — 22 May at 08:10PM

Lost, one ferret, answers to the name of killer. Last seen at medieval history tute, escaped from my jousting bag. If found attend medical centre as he bites. Free to good home

Homer — 22 May at 08:12PM

This was funny, but you're also pretty much a bunch of fucksticks.

E.L. James — 22 May at 08:14PM

At seeing this ad, my inner goddess did a backflip. Was this hunk of a company really looking at me, wanting me? Text came closer, ran the knuckle of its index finger down my chin, to my mouth, and pushed its digit inside. I sucked eagerly, like a puppy that didn't have its eyes open yet, hungry for Text, greedy for Text, dying to get in its Melbourne offices and edit until I could see nothing but stars. I flushed at the thought, and Text seemed to know what I was thinking. Holy f*ck, this publishing company was so hot.

@Pablo — 22 May at 08:17PM

Upvote for the lols and having exactly the same coversation today. P.S. are you - by any chance - related to that guy who did the square paintings (or whatever you call them)?

Hash tag YOLO — 22 May at 08:19PM

@Homer

Y U MAD BRAH?

Hash tag YOLO — 22 May at 08:19PM

@Homer

Y U MAD BRAH?

Whit — 22 May at 08:19PM

Homers looks like E.L James has you fuckstick

Sunshine — 22 May at 08:21PM

@SHIELA HELLO WHAT DO YOU THINK PUTTING A WOLF IN A BUILDING DOES TO THAT BUILDING SHEESH. I KNOW I WOULD ABANDON IT. ANYWAY PLEASE EVERYONE STOP SENDING ME VIBES I WON'T BE MURDERING PUPPIES ANY TIME SOON. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT COMPLAIN TO THAT FRAUD SHIELA

Sunshine — 22 May at 08:21PM

@SHIELA HELLO WHAT DO YOU THINK PUTTING A WOLF IN A BUILDING DOES TO THAT BUILDING SHEESH. I KNOW I WOULD ABANDON IT. ANYWAY PLEASE EVERYONE STOP SENDING ME VIBES I WON'T BE MURDERING PUPPIES ANY TIME SOON. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT COMPLAIN TO THAT FRAUD SHIELA

Sunshine — 22 May at 08:21PM

@SHIELA HELLO WHAT DO YOU THINK PUTTING A WOLF IN A BUILDING DOES TO THAT BUILDING SHEESH. I KNOW I WOULD ABANDON IT. ANYWAY PLEASE EVERYONE STOP SENDING ME VIBES I WON'T BE MURDERING PUPPIES ANY TIME SOON. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT COMPLAIN TO THAT FRAUD SHIELA

Hash tag YOLO — 22 May at 08:21PM

@Whit

Y U MAD BRAH?

Frank — 22 May at 08:28PM

WANTED: one room mate in the Melbourne area. We are vegetarians and share the cooking so NO MEAT. We have a herb patch and a cat called One Love so NO SNAILS OR DOGS. My Mum already lives with us and she says I'm enough man for her so NO DUDES. If this sounds like you, please friend request me on FB and we'll PM.

Meg — 22 May at 08:32PM

Can I put you on my dole form?

Tom Woodward — 22 May at 08:38PM

I work for text already and knew nothing about this position. You said you'd promote me last year and still nothing. And now this? You make me sick.
Anonymous.

False D. Lemma — 22 May at 08:39PM

"As an independent publisher of quality fiction and non-fiction"

Why do you have to be so binary about it?

I will consider applying if you can come to terms with my immense ability to see the grey, to find the third way, to break out of your little boxes.

Deckhand Daisy — 22 May at 08:40PM

Dear Dan Brown,

I like the sound of your yacht. But I'm afraid Barry D'A has hooked me, line and sinker, with his GSOH and SI. Plus, I'm far too LRB to be with a man who shares his name with an airport novelist. Good luck with Scribe.

Hopeful — 22 May at 08:47PM

I submitted a manuscript to you in 2005 and it was rejected. If I get this job, would I be able to reverse that decision? I live in Melbourne and I'm able to start immediately – well, as soon as I buy some dishevelled clothing suitable for a role in publishing. I'm contactable on Google + (yes, I'm the one).

Terry Bants — 22 May at 08:51PM

Book. Job. Yes!

Cut'n'paste — 22 May at 09:10PM

I have no direct relevant experience but if I was successful in gaining the position I would certainly be willing to read some books, for example, Eat Pray Love.
Please note, I am unable to commence this calendar year. I also prefer to work nightshifts due to reasons.

Prue Freeding — 22 May at 09:13PM

"As an independent publisher of quality fiction and non-fiction"

Unfortunately I'm an independent editor of fiction and quality non-fiction, so this job is not for me.

Sheila — 22 May at 09:15PM

FREE TO A GOOD HOME

Wolf. Is well-fed and is friendly unless approached with weapon. Does not generally like men but is good with small children.

Tom Waterhouse — 22 May at 09:27PM

None of you were born to work in publishing, Join me (and Sue) and TomWaterhouse.com

http://www.seek.com.au/Job/data-analyst/in/sydney-north-shore-northern-beaches/24539493

Trope — 22 May at 09:28PM

I don't want this job, but I do have a really big penis. Or any job, come to think of it. Really big.

Dude — 22 May at 09:37PM

I don't get it. I'm kind to her, we hang out, have fun, but she's friendzoning me. I'm a nice guy, she should put out already, 'cos my feelings are getting hurt.
I don't want another friend, I have friends. So she should stop leading me on with all this friend stuff. The sooner she realises I'm the right guy for her, the less time she has to be a dumb idiot.
Maybe I should just keep making innuendo at her and trying to touch her until she gets the hint. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Alan — 22 May at 09:40PM

@Dude
I have not met you but feel I know you and I am convinced we are made for each other. I know you will feel the same once you come to your senses. Forget her. I will hunt you down and make you mine if it is the last thing I do. I don't like friendzoning either.

Pweeter — 22 May at 09:41PM

I need a poo, is there somewhere at your establishment I can use? Top drawer only please.
Can I has edit job puhleeZ?

Friendzoner — 22 May at 09:41PM

Dude
Sorry.
I'm a nice guy too, but I met Trope first.
David.

Lulu — 22 May at 09:42PM

Ain't nobody got time for this

Jesus — 22 May at 09:45PM

God wants the job. Skype interview?

Ohhhhh — 22 May at 09:46PM

My ding-a-ling!My ding-a-ling! I want you to play with my ding-a-ling!

Otis Overcash — 22 May at 09:56PM

I have this rash and it's sort of in this area of completely hairless skin that I didn't even really know existed. Would you provide some sort of medical plan with this job? If not, do you have any balm, ointment, cream or paste that I could maybe borrow upon my employment? I am impeccably qualified and extensively experienced, but the rash is really beginning to dictate my life. I look forward to your understanding.

Edward Nigma — 22 May at 10:02PM

.. ... - .... . .--- --- -... ... - .. .-.. .-.. .- ...- .- .. .-.. .- -... .-.. . ..--.. .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. .-.. --- ...- . - --- -... . -.-. --- -. ... .. -.. . .-. . -.. -... ..- - .... .- ...- .. -. --. - .-. --- ..- -... .-.. . ... . -. -.. .. -. --. - .... .-. --- ..- --. .... -- -.-- -.-. ...-

Boris — 22 May at 10:07PM

Wanted: Three brave companions for an epic journey.

I am convinced the surface of Mars contains Swiss chocolate. I cannot promise your safe return nor can I promise a successful landing on the planet but you will have your share of free chocolate if our harvesting is fruitful. I have been building a ship in my Brunswick backyard for a year now using discarded household waste found during hard rubbish days. It is not beautiful but it will suffice.
A clever sidekick who carries their weight but does not overshadow my brilliance is ideal. Especially if they are willing to be killed off three-quarters of the way through the mission in order to highlight the bravery of my undertaking.

Serious enquiries only please.

Peta — 22 May at 10:13PM

My employment has recently been cast into doubt by a completely innocent and understandable blood alcohol reading. I am fiercely loyal, occasionally violent, and have great legs. Willing to move from Canberra.

Homer — 22 May at 10:16PM

μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος
οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,
πολλὰς δ᾽ ἰφθίμους ψυχὰς Ἄϊδι προΐαψεν
ἡρώων, αὐτοὺς δὲ ἑλώρια τεῦχε κύνεσσιν
5οἰωνοῖσί τε πᾶσι, Διὸς δ᾽ ἐτελείετο βουλή,
ἐξ οὗ δὴ τὰ πρῶτα διαστήτην ἐρίσαντε
Ἀτρεΐδης τε ἄναξ ἀνδρῶν καὶ δῖος Ἀχιλλεύς.

Sunshine — 22 May at 10:17PM

@SHIELA I'LL TAKE HIM HOW MUCH

Ms T — 22 May at 10:18PM

My boyfriend's reading The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich and his favourite movie is Snowtown. Should I be worried?

Please love me.

Christopher M. — 22 May at 10:20PM

Was this the face that launched a thousand ships and burnt the topless towers of Ilium?

Sheila — 22 May at 10:22PM

@Sunshine
Free, but you can't complain if he tries to bite you into bits. He is still mad from the last altercation with you.

Fanny — 22 May at 10:24PM

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Ulrich — 22 May at 10:25PM

I start at the ankles and work up. I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web. I do it tight with several layers. Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.
'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.
'You win the bet,' says Roy, muffled. 'Now unwrap me.'
'Not for several hours.'
'Ah.'

Jason Walker — 22 May at 10:27PM

I am wish to make correspondence with you vis a vis this yob description. Have you a many splendoured day until I can unhinge my cakeflap and make my CV electrically fly to your inbox. Salut! PS I am wriggling with pleasure at the thought of moving to Melbourne which I hear is possibly not agricultural wonderland. You are having electric buses on the rails? Is nice.

Jennifer — 22 May at 10:36PM

I am fully qualified for this role, having had several years in similar positions, and would be delighted to arrange a time for an interview.

Be aware, however, that I have a slight condition that compels me to act out whatever I am reading. Thus, while I am happy to do factual, travel and romance, my condition naturally prohibits me from proofreading horror, crime thrillers and science fiction.

Resume attached.

Peter — 22 May at 10:37PM

I am soon to be seeking new employment after holding public office as a representative for the fine people of the Sunshine Coast. My recent experience is more as Speaker than editor but I am sure I can change party allegiance on that one; I do have a fine set of magazine subscriptions. I would appreciate any details of package related to cab vouchers. I cannot undertake to edit anything to do with molluscs.

ben — 22 May at 10:43PM

my unicorn wont allow me out of the house. can I work from home?

Insh — 22 May at 10:51PM

All I've been able to discover (with the help of a tub of Vaseline®, a Staedtler® pencil sharpener with shavings catcher, and a Take Away menu) is that teleportation is better than curry.*

Miss Taken — 22 May at 10:51PM

I found this page after Googling 'wriggling unicorn penis'. You guys are perverted.

Octo Mom — 22 May at 10:53PM

I am surely the vocational editor you seek. My compulsion to edit knows no boundary, and I am A Woman Of Calibre. In the event that I have a happy event for Our Leader-To-Be, do you have a Maternity Leave policy that is better than Maurice Blackburn Cashmans?

Dr. Ian Malcolm — 22 May at 10:53PM

The kind of control you're attempting simply is... it's not possible. If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it's that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, it expands to new territories and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously, but, uh... well, there it is.

Fake Penny Wong — 22 May at 11:09PM

I self-published my 2010 election diary and sold more copies than anything Patrick White ever wrote. Why is this job even being advertised?

Heelo — 22 May at 11:11PM

I ver frendle

An do god job

Ples hir

Ning — 22 May at 11:13PM

What kind of adwrecking nooberdungsters cluttercomment recruiternet pages? 0478 887 558. Call me "I'm yours". No xp, mad skillz, dynameditor.

NB: I have seen cow spirits but they do not manifest oftenly.

Editorforhire — 22 May at 11:18PM

I have wide experience of line and copyy editing and enjoy the technicle side of the job enormouslessy. Thanks.

Ivor — 22 May at 11:22PM

Spam spam spam spam. And fish heads. They let one out of the box. Nobody is laughing.

Jimmyjizz — 22 May at 11:23PM

Will strip for tokens.

Penelope Von Cumberdale — 22 May at 11:38PM

I think it is absolutely reprehensible that your advertisement is not being taken seriously. I would like to assure you that I am deadly serious about this position.

While I haven't been an editor before, I used to work for Jet Star and I believe with my solid background in travel (Five years) I would make an excellent Vacational Editor. I also know how to use spellcheck so I feel strongly that I am well suited to this position.

You can contact me at your convenience by emailing me at PVC@gmail.com

Petunia Von Manscanties — 22 May at 11:53PM

Dear Text Publishing

I was an editor for Australian Women’s Forum Magazine for several years so I am perfect for this job. Ok I actually just bought it and stared at all the chiseled nudie man pictures in it a lot, but I definitely have the passion for reading across all genitals that you’re looking for.

So if it’s a vocal-ational editor that you’re after, you’ll be well pleased with my appreciative oohing and aahing of the non-fiction as well as my critical eye for detail when it comes to heavy pixel editing and airbrushing required for the more … er… fictional content. I’ll even look at the words if you want. A little bit.

Call me.

zzziman — 22 May at 11:58PM

i like turtles

Lenare McCulloch — 23 May at 12:17AM

@SHIELA
Do you have any more letterbox-sized starving/savage wolves left? I would give you $350 for one that bites. That's just the thing I need to stop the stalker that followed me home from the supermarket from breaking into my letterbox and reading my mail. He can sleep on my bed when he's not in the letterbox. The wolf, not the stalker. I will name him Thomas. Thanks. xx

Phillip J. Fry — 23 May at 12:26AM

I currently hold the advanced position of Executive Delivery Boy for a well established interplanetary delivery business. However, it appears that Planet Express is finally going out of business. I think that my years of experience as a Delivery Boy are exactly whats needed to make a great editorian. My only problem is that I live in a different Time-Zone (currently, the year 3013) so I will need to make use of any paradox-free time machine you have available.

Derrick — 23 May at 12:28AM

Baby, or "Jennifer" as you suddenly like to call yourself now that you've started acting strange, I think I'm going crazy and I need you to tell me what's going on. I'm really worried about you and at the same time I'm worried about myself and about us. I don't know what is real any more. One minute everything seemed normal and you seemed so happy and then suddenly you seemed to change. I told you before that some people would tell you lies about me as a way to get back at me for things in my past that I am not proud of. All they want is to break us apart and make us unhappy, and I can't see why you would want to give them that. Please baby reply to my messages. xxx

Sheila — 23 May at 12:30AM

@Lenore

I am more than happy to let you bring a mailbox-sized wolf home. Sunshine has claimed the puppy-eating wolf currently residing in the abandoned building on the other end of my street. I am told that its mate lurks the neighbourhood hunting for prey as the last tram rolls in. You are more than welcome to him if you can catch him. But he may consume you in your sleep.

Derrick — 23 May at 12:30AM

I can see that you have read what I wrote so I don't understand why you are not replying. Just tell me what's going on.

Jenny — 23 May at 12:32AM

Derrick this is not Jennifer this is Simon. Jennifer is not going to reply. You have to stop this or we will report you.

Portia Van Wrankle — 23 May at 12:46AM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in application of the abovementioned position. I am a former editor of the now defunct Wrankle & Wrankle Publishing House.

Whilst our last names are similar, I share no relation with the Publishing house owners. Although, I did once have "relations" with Mr Wrankle which upset Mr Wrankle leading to the dissolution of the company.

I'm sorry I cannot provide you with any references as neither of them are talking to me now. In fact I cannot locate them at all. If you know their whereabouts please let me know as I am currently pregnant with Mr Wrankles child.

I trust you do not discriminate against pregnant women. I am very serious about providing a solid future for Baby Van Wrankle-Wrankle

Please email me. I eagerly await your reply

Lenare McCulloch — 23 May at 12:53AM

@SHIELA
He sounds perfect. And if he eats me in my sleep maybe I'll give *him* the $350. But really I'll just be happy if he deals with my stalker. Thanks for the deets and all your help. You're a gem. I'll try my luck catching him tomorrow evening. xx

peter von peter — 23 May at 01:05AM

did job died

Fassbinder — 23 May at 01:24AM

Please advise what's wrong with Melbourne as I shall be visiting it soon? Although I can't do the job as I am English and therefore my English is terrible.

Dino — 23 May at 01:30AM

Everyone, please stop using the reply all button!

Lenare McCulloch — 23 May at 01:39AM

@Fassbinder
Nothing, Melbourne is fantastic. Great food. Great people. Great Shopping. A lot of arts and entertainment. I'm going there (Melbs) tomorrow to pick up my new wolf, Thomas. I'm googling videos about how to do those tricky 'hook turns' so that I don't kill us both.

bernd — 23 May at 02:08AM

I am Thor!

@KRuddMP — 23 May at 02:27AM

Let me just say a few things guys.

When I say to my publishing industry colleagues and to the people at large across Australia that I would not challenge for the Text Editorship, I believe in honouring my word. Others treat such commitments lightly. I do not.

I've been very plain about that for a long period of time.

Secondly, I said that the only circumstances under which I would consider an application for the editorship would be if there was an overwhelming majority of the Text board requesting such an application – drafting me to apply. And they promised me a swivel chair.

I am here to inform you that those circumstances do not exist. And therefore in the absence of any such draft, notwithstanding what Sue had to say this morning, I will be adhering absolutely to the commitments I gave to the Australian people and to my publishing industry colleagues.

This is a difficult day for the Australian book industry – a difficult day for Australian society but I take my word seriously. I've given that word, I gave it solemnly in that room after the last opening at Text and I will adhere to that word today.

And excuse me I am going to book club. KRudd

McGubbin — 23 May at 04:18AM

LOST - One mailbox sized wolf. He answers to the name RIFFF! by occasionally chewing on faces. If found please don't put him into anything smaller than a mailbox.

Sunshine — 23 May at 08:22AM

@LENARE BEWARE! SHIELA IS NOT WHAT SHE SEEMS. YEAH SHE HAS A GREAT LINE IN STARVING MAN EATING LETTERBOX WOLVES BUT IF SHE TRIES TO UPSELL YOU SOME SACRIFICIAL PUPPIES RUN. I REPORTED HER TO ACA AND THE ONE ON CHANNEL SEVEN BUT THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY.

Jane Austen — 23 May at 08:47AM

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a publishing house of repute must be in want of an editor. I dip my quill to accept your offer and look forward to many years of delightful intercourse.

Still in Rehab — 23 May at 09:16AM

Having spent 47 years as a vocational editor and now retired, I do not ever want to see another manuscript for as long as I live. The work is tedious as hell, the material offensive to one's sensibilities, and the pay so miserable that I had to supplement it by working as a brothel receptionist.

By the way, did I leave my mug behind in the tea room?

Gandalf — 23 May at 09:45AM

From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Typographical Error of Morgoth... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side...

Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time... The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth...

But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.

I will need $65 000 per year, a white horse and a significant pipe-weed budget.

Vlad — 23 May at 09:46AM

Sheila -- Listen to them: the children of the night. What sweet music they make.

Barry D'A. — 23 May at 10:01AM

Daisy? I'm three sheets to the wind but ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Let's get nautical.

James Wallace Esq. — 23 May at 10:23AM

I never eat a boiled egg that hasn't been baptised and screened for gay genes. Currently editing the Westboro Baptist Church newsletter. Can spell 'fag'.

Bruce Wayne — 23 May at 10:26AM

Without warning, it comes...crashing through the window of your study, and mine...

I have seen it before...somewhere. It frightened me as a boy... frightened me.

Yes, father. I shall become a bat.

Um, I mean, a vocational editor.

Sorry about that.

— 23 May at 10:38AM

I'd like to think I'm the best applicant you'll get for this position: I'm a recent journalism graduate with a major in marketing and sub-major in PR. I also have extensive experience with social media, traditional media, new media, New Idea, New Scientist, Photoshop, Shoppers' Guide, InDesign, Web Design, Garage Band, LimeWire and numerous sat nav apps. I've written up to several blogs on thongs as a cultural icon for a not-for-profit website and can make an excellent macchiato, ristretto, espresso, flat white and double decaf latte. Most of all, I think everything is exciting, even changing a used tyre, and believe your inclusiveness policy speaks to me on so many levels, and I really look forward to being able to acknowledge the original owners of whatever land your office complex is on.

Ophelia — 23 May at 10:48AM

Dearest Agatha,
I had a terrible date with a man who kept talking about his dead father. It was somewhat unnerving, however, I feel I should give him another chance. Who knows, he might be my future husband? I did enjoy his long, poetic monologues. It was all rather theatrical. Yes, I will go on a second date with him! What's the worst that could happen?
Warmest,
Ophelia

Urs — 23 May at 10:55AM

It took me two days to read trough all the comments and in the end I didn't remember what I wanted to edit. Therefore I have to start over again.
I believe I might not meet the deadline to apply. Can you make an exemption?

Rest of the internet — 23 May at 10:57AM

THIS THREAD IS USELESS WITHOUT GAME OF THRONES MEMES

Nobby — 23 May at 11:04AM

I have decoded your message and have obtained a live chicken. I await further instructions.

A. Latvian — 23 May at 11:06AM

Q : What are one potato say other potato?

A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

muzza — 23 May at 11:12AM

I am a blacksmith who is looking to change professions to one that will stand the test of time.

Book publishing sounds perfect! I accept.

P.S. Do I need to bring my own anvil?

Janine — 23 May at 11:35AM

To Text Publishing,
Please find attached copies of my Grade 1 spelling tests in application for the advertised position.
I feel I am more than qualified for this experience as throughout Grade 1 I was given several gold stars and two smiley face stickers in recognition of my work spelling such complex, multi-syllable words as 'panda', 'donkey' and 'garden'.
Whilst I have no prior editing experience, I did receive the award of 'participant' in our school's Grade 1 to 2 spelling competition, a nationally recognized award within a highly competitive field.
As an adult I have gone on to spell such words as 'cynicism', 'alcohol' and 'desperation' and have intermediate computer skills in spell-check software.
I am eager to be considered for the role and look forward to your response.
Regards, Janine.

Ed — 23 May at 11:49AM

This has gotten out of hand

Johnny Gotten — 23 May at 11:57AM

Agreed, Ed, but 'gotten' is an unpleasant Americanism: 'got' suffices. So...the job is mine, right?

Caliban — 23 May at 12:02PM

Ed - Thank you for offering your hand. I am very fond of them when used as a base in soup broth, as they hold together very well.

Do you have anything in a foot?

Samuel — 23 May at 12:03PM

What even is Text?

K-dog — 23 May at 12:15PM

Sorry, I can see why you're mad at me. But when you said we could be friends I took it to mean that I was permitted to take nasty liberties with certain parts of your library. I hope you can see how easily that confusion could have occurred. please post response in the comment section of this blog about vegemite: http://tea-and-vegemite-toast.blogspot.com.au/
Best,

Text Publishing — 23 May at 01:07PM

YOU'RE ALL HIRED. YOU CAN START TOMORROW.

White Rabbit — 23 May at 01:17PM

I meant to arrive earlier but I'm late! I'm late! If you've hired everyone else, does that mean it's too late for me to apply?

White Rabbit — 23 May at 01:18PM

I meant to arrive earlier but, I'm late! I'm late!

If you've hired everyone else, does that mean it's too late for me to apply?

Follow the white rabbit — 23 May at 01:20PM

There is no spoon.

Alice — 23 May at 01:26PM

Might a spork do?

Nickyboy — 23 May at 01:39PM

I once was edited by a horse. Where am I again?

Peter Russell-Clarke — 23 May at 02:26PM

I'm back! Where's the cheese?

YOLOCOPTER — 23 May at 02:36PM

Sirs,

I wish to apply for the position of 'text fluffer' that you have advertised so graciously on your weblog.

I have a black belt in English and I am a pro-active self starting go-getter with an ambitious streak wider than the mouth of a rather wide canal of some sort (you choose which one).

Willing to work for banana fritters.

Miss Chief — 23 May at 02:51PM

I am interested in publishing the comments list as a complete work of fiction. I will require a full-time editor with the same credentials as advertised above. Please ... continue to apply here.

Lenare McCulloch — 23 May at 02:57PM

@Sunshine
That’s really weird. I would have thought ACA would have gone for that story. In any case, Shiela wouldn’t sell me the puppy-eating wolf even for $350 because you already expressed interest in it so I am pretty confident in her ethics, but thank you for your care and thoughtfulness in warning me, and I’m really sorry about the whole puppy-snarfing incident. I’m just happy she has another one there for me. There’s also apparently a lost one around called ‘RIFFF’ so it should be an interesting night of wolf catching. I’m not sure when you’re collecting yours but I have another 6 hours of driving before I hit Melbs. I decided not to fly because Thomas and I could use the bonding time on the trip on the way home. I hope he likes Marilyn Manson.

Sent from my iPhone

— 23 May at 03:08PM

Part-ay.

The Colonel — 23 May at 03:30PM

Rather than a submissive application I have taken liberty to fix errors in adlib to proof my worthness

We’re looking for a vocal editor to join our busy and dynamic team's.

As an interdependent publisher of quality fixing and non-fixing we are looking for someone who possessing exceptional editing goodness and a passion for watersports.
The successful applyer will have quite a bit of years of any time editorial experientialness in trade talk and will be ready to participate fully in a stimulation and rewarding editing Kulcha Club.

Thanx for your duration.

Oprah — 23 May at 03:51PM

Look under your chairs! You've all won a new Ford car! Yes! YOU'VE WON A CAR. AND YOU'VE WON A CAR. AND YOU'VE WON A CAR...
Now you can all drive to Text's William St offices in Melbourne and apply for the editing job IN PERSON.

Geoff F — 23 May at 04:18PM

Yeah alright I'll do it. What does it involve? Is it a full time thing?

Ebony McKenna — 23 May at 04:30PM

Knock knock
who's there?
Text
Text who?
No, it should be whom. The job is mine.

Bernard — 23 May at 04:44PM

BEWARE THE GIANT WASPS

Andrew B — 23 May at 05:06PM

@Latvian

I find yours mock Q & A offense. Here in Lithuania we laughs at you Latvia.

We in fact of having many potato. While the you have just one. In mathametics oiur wealths are doubles of you. So you premise are as stupid as yours country name is sounding.

Also one potatoes say to other potatoe "Latvia stupid". Is premise.

Jon Snuuuh — 23 May at 05:07PM

Look, I don't know who you people are but winter is coming so I don't have time to apply. Either give it to me or not.

Credentials: I nuhh nuhhthing.

Experience: I think books are a waste of tome.

Jasmine — 23 May at 05:14PM

Ex-sporting star seeks ghostwriter for autobiography based loosely on actual life. Will pay in ghost chips. Won't sell a copy. Except from remaindering store at christmas when family can't decide what to buy.

Seagull — 23 May at 08:13PM

Cyberspace. I suspect we may all have gotten a little lost...

Peter — 23 May at 09:24PM

Why would anybody publish texts? is this some sort of Damn You Autocorrect thing?

Jason Tilley — 23 May at 09:24PM

Have been a photographer for 25 years, I am not wrapped in clingfilm and can I have Saturdays off to watch the Skyblues. Can start next week.

Rifff — 23 May at 09:41PM

No one bothers asking me what I want in all of this. I quite like living in this letterbox, thank you very much.

Igor — 23 May at 09:42PM

In Soviet Russia, Text edits you.

Jennifer, the Real One — 23 May at 10:09PM

Derrick, I know you've been the bad boy (you told me, I heard, yes I know already oi). But don't think I am stupid enough to listen to the lies I hear. Many of them are passed to me then embroidered by some of my coworkers, can you believe it? So if you've seen me roll my eyes (you have) that is why. I am tired of listening to idiots. I am charmed at your idea of getting away on our own, being ourselves for awhile. Where did you get this "she says we're just friends" idea, huh? Well it is not like I confide in people. Be in touch. And with the real Jennifer this time!
p.s. you should totally go for that editor job.

Qdover — 23 May at 10:20PM

Hi, I'm a post-graduate in advanced English and Editing, and I'd like after twelve years of tertiary education to be an intern. Working for free sounds like a good way to get a head start on all of my currently-paid colleagues that are worrying about the inevitable collapse of the publishing industry. How can I attach my resume to this post?

Typikal teenagger — 23 May at 10:29PM

Hai lol I cnt wait too torrent all tha books ur new editor wrks on like lol omg totes.

Frank — 23 May at 10:34PM

Jobs, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I edited a word or too and carried on without a colon
I planned each each murdered phrase, each careful noun apon the freeway
And more, much more than this, I wrote it my way

EwanB — 23 May at 10:35PM

Wanted to hire: cheap foreign outsourced editor to edit job application for editors role.

MegaMoog — 23 May at 10:45PM

I've lost my pen. Has anyone seen it? It's got blue ink, and it looks like a pen. Please help.

D.E.B. — 23 May at 11:20PM

Took the missus out for dinner the other night and we played footsie under the table. I had a cracking stead and she got toed in the hole.

D.E.B. — 23 May at 11:21PM

steak*

Aaaah sheeeeeit

WTF — 24 May at 12:00AM

IS DIS 4 REAL?

BA — 24 May at 12:02AM

I pity the fool that gets this job!

Lance E — 24 May at 12:08AM

Why don't you hire someone through elance? Plenty of editors there willing to work for 1 cent per day.

Suzanne — 24 May at 12:49AM

Text,
You need a comma after non-fiction. Was this a test?

Signed,
Qualified

Miguel — 24 May at 12:57AM

TEXT YOU JUST BEEN SLASHDOTTED! BAM IN YO FACE.

Miguel — 24 May at 12:58AM

WTF IS THIS ANYWAY NERDDS

Miguel — 24 May at 01:04AM

a';DROP TABLE users; SELECT * FROM userinfo WHERE 't' = 't

Miguel — 24 May at 01:05AM

MIGUEL IS THE MASTER EDITA

@The_No_Show — 24 May at 02:02AM

Am I the millionth customer? Please RT.

@GoldenGatsby — 24 May at 02:32AM

This isn't the Pizza Hut website...

Belle and Sebastian — 24 May at 03:31AM

He had a stroke at the age of 24
It could have been a brilliant career
Selling lies to the boys with the old Dansettes
Pulling the wool, playing the fool, it's no wonder that.

Do I win £5?

Max — 24 May at 04:08AM

I have mad book skills brah

Waitingfor Godot — 24 May at 05:29AM

We wait.

This editor, he has not yet arrived.

Every day a damn child tells us he might come.

We wait still.

Mr. Doer — 24 May at 05:56AM

Dude, I could like totally do this job, I mean, like totally. Is this a work from home position? cause if you like email me a book I will like totally edit it. I mean, like this it totally like a dream job for me.

David — 24 May at 06:53AM

I Love Lamp

Mark — 24 May at 07:24AM

I'm doing a project at school and I need to ask people who are hiring editors what job they would do if they were not hiring editors. Please let me know by Tuesday so I have time to write it up in best.

Ophelia Cox — 24 May at 08:16AM

Obvious trolls are obvious

Paul Scott — 24 May at 11:39AM

Also: did the Doctor entering his own time-stream from his death create the cracks in time? Has he done what is not to be done, to save Clara, and in doing so, broke down time and space?

This is the Dr Who talkback right?

Lenare McCulloch — 24 May at 12:32PM

Melbourne was further than I thought. I should have checked a map first. I’ve never attempted to catch a half-starved man-eating letterbox-wolf before. I tried to get fresh kittens or fresh puppies, but none of the majors stock them. My sister says that wolves like frozen raspberries. She’s an Author so she wouldn’t make stuff up. So I have a thermipack for keeping the ice and raspberries frozen. I also purchased approximately 12kg of ‘Schmaldos’ (Aldi’s version of the Schmacko). I'm so excited. Thanks Text Publishing. None of this would be possible without you.

Miss Taken — 24 May at 12:46PM

Miss Chief, what could you possibly find so fascinating about this squalid snot rag of editorial excrement that you should want to publish such a steaming cesspool of salacious shouse-slop?

All of you should be ashamed… Sheila, Derrick, K Rudd MP, Gandalf… unsavoury characters the lot of you! I know your types… constantly refreshing the page… satisfying your insatiable appetites for titillation by scanning new comments for words like 'penis' and 'wriggling' and 'Schmaldo'!

Tank — 24 May at 02:05PM

My cat threw up this morning. I woke up just in time to hear it.

Why? Not why did he throw up... why did I wake up for it?

Any advice would be appreciated.

— 24 May at 03:58PM

My grandson just hooked up skype .

Hello?

Desperate and Lonely — 24 May at 04:36PM

Are you still taking applications?

I work cheap.

Ewannn — 24 May at 04:38PM

How terrible the majority of the Comments are is a stark reminder of why we need editors.

bizzlez — 24 May at 04:43PM

I'd like to apply for the job of editor. Do I need to bring my own emphasis?

@Ewannn — 24 May at 04:48PM

Ewannn,
Given your uppity attitude, please explain why comments has a capital C in your comment?
Regards,
Equity4Trolls